We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize