Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
