Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
