someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
