and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
