I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
