I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
