I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
