Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
