i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
