Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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