I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
