How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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