If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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