why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
