I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
