it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
