I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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