Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
