thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
