Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
sick fucks of a feather flock together
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
