I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
