i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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