ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
