So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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