Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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