Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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