Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
In America we eat man semen.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
