Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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