My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
