Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
