Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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