And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize