At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
