i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
