I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
you made out with another girl for some wings
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
