A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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