If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
