I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
