dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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