Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
