Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
