What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
