I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
