She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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