If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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