my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize