Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
