dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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