I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
