i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize