I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
They took my balls.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ladies don't puke and tell
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize