Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
