It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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