also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
