would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
