I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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