I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
