i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
