I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
