i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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