There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
