I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
