There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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