I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I touched a dick in church today
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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