Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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