Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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