there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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