We're like a lot better than the average bears
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ladies don't puke and tell
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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