I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
